This is not a ranting blog. Nor is it a woe-is-me blog. I've read them before, and neither experience is pleasant; however, it is a this is real life blog, so brace yourselves. I graduate in less than a month. in 26 days. that's less time than it takes to develop a habit. In light of this truth, I feel like a crazy. I really probably should pull a Relient K and wear a mood ring. I can honestly say there have never been this many emotions coursing through me at once before. It's so weird. Since making lists is my default mode, I'm going to attempt to stabilize myself through familiarity and in doing so share with you what's happening in that space between my ears.
I am not worried in the least about what I am going to do with my life; please don't even take it there. No I don't know where I'll be in the Fall, no I don't know where I'm going to work, no I don't want to teach, no I have no plans for grad school right now, and no I'm not going to get married this year. I am however worried about being good at, capable of, and most of all, accepting towards whatever it is God gives me to accomplish. Which leads to:
I am so afraid of not being able to live out what I know and have said time and time again about wanting God's will for my life and not my own, and doing what He has for me, not what I desire. I really do want that, but until I know what it is, I'm afraid that I might fail and resist it. Then of course there's a little bit of:
I have been in school for the last 16 years of my life. It's what I do, what I know, and what I love. I don't want to leave it. I also don't really want to leave the people I've found here. A lot of my friends are older than me, but they're still in school and I have to leave. It seems unfair. haha. I might make some of you throw up by saying this, but I like writing papers, I enjoy tests, and I adore doing research. I'm also super familiar with so many people, places, organizations, etc. on my campus. It's not Harvard or Auburn, but it's mine, and I love it. And then to not only leave school, but what if I leave here-the place I've my whole life? I already miss people, and I'm not even gone...but in a way that's why there's:
Excitement.I don't know what's coming next! WOW. I'm going to go new places, meet new people, enjoy new hobbies, create a new schedule, and list goes on. It's an adventure, and when you have peace and joy in your heart, that's a fun thing to think about. I could be overseas in a year; I could be in Nashville; I could be in Montgomery. Wherever I am though, it'll be different, and it'll be new! And so I am definitely:
I did it! All those tears, and challenging lessons. All those hugs and smiles, late night pots of coffee and studypaloozas where absolutely nothing got done, and I did it. (Let's not focus on the last 2 papers and midterms I have left, please ;) I have accomplished so much, and I did it with my GPA and my witness still intact unlike so many college students. I have reaped God's blessings, and my storehouses have certainly overflowed. I'm not trying to write my eulogy here; this isn't necessarily an end (although it kind of is). To me it's more of a beginning, volume, the second.
So now you know what about 10 minutes in my head looks like. Put that cycle on repeat, and you're totally me. My life is crazy, but it's mine and it's pretty awesome. Also, please go ahead and expect some sappy posts in the days to come. I like people to be prepared, and they're definitely coming, so you've been warned.