ok, so prepare for the crazy conglomeration of words that I'm about to throw together in an attempt to share. My thoughts are like ...well I'm the worst at inventing metaphors, but there's a lot of them and one thing always leads to another ("The Fixx" reference intended). I'll try to keep it concise.
One of my favorite Bible characters has always been David. I LOVE the Psalms and David, and Jonathan's friendship is one of the best things I've ever read about. Most of all though, I love that in Acts 13:22, God says "I have found David the son of Jesse, a man after my heart, who will do all My will." David messed up so bad, so many times, but he was a man after God's own heart. Tonight at church my pastor brought up the time that Nathan confronted David after he had blatantly sinned with Bathsheba then spiralled downward. Nathan (who was much better at creating metaphors and drawing parallels than I am) told David a story that enraged him at the antagonist, but when Nathan said 'David, it's you!' He repented. He cared. He was broken.
Sometimes, I am sad to say, that's not me at all. Sometimes I know that I need to change things, that I've done wrong, but I don't confess, and if I do...I don't repent, because I never turn away from it. I love Romans 12:2, "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove that which is good and acceptable and perfect," but a lot of times I don't renew my mind; therefore, I am not transformed. I'm seeing this more clearly and with more acute pain now that Kimberly and I have started going through Disciplines of a Godly Woman again. I know I need to be more intentional and disciplined. I want to change things and make my life an offering to the Lord, but knowing and doing are not the same. I want to be a [wo]man after God's heart, but really I'm after Jenna's heart. And Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?"
So here we are. I'm trying to overcome, and I know that I can because I've realized, like David did, "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." I'd appreciate prayers. That God would change me, because clearly I can't, that He would be glorified through me, and that I would be able to live in these verses:
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom.
Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.