Friday, January 15, 2010

Drama Queen Confessions

Sometimes I feel ugly, and right now in my life I am again struggling with that monster that likes to steal my self-esteem, hide it from me, and then laugh while I slink around trying to find it. Sometimes hide-n-seek is the worst sort of game. This isn't the first time I've been here either. In fact, being a girl, being an over-analytical dramatic-ish girl, naturally I try to brace myself for these moments. When I get out of bed and go to brush my teeth in the morning, I see Proverbs 31:30 written on my dry erase board-"Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised." Then when I go back into my bedroom to put on my makeup (which please let's not even go down that trail) I see Ecclesiastes 3:11a "He has made all things beautiful in their time" which in its context doesn't necessarily mean physically beautiful, but appropriate or fitting; God made me who I am and put where I am for a reason. I know that the fear of the Lord is where wisdom begins (Prov. 9:10), but even though these things are the buildingblocks of everything I know, somehow, sometimes there's still a violent war raging within me. I hate it. I really do, and if you've known me longer that half a second, you'd surely say I was a confident assertive girl, but sometimes, I'm not. I'm there right now, and lately is seems like no matter who I'm around or what's being said, me and my selfish pride are going to find a way to think negatively. I'm not writing this so you'll tell me how fabulous and lovely you think I am-honestly, that will only make me feel worse at this point-but I know I can't be the only person who finds themselves here. And I want to reiterate, a. you're not alone and b. the only way to truly be content is to see yourself through God's eyes (assuming He's looking on you with grace and not wrath). I'm currently working on b. I'll get there.

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